Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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