My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
