nut hugger
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
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I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
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Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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