Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
My boob is missing a layer of skin
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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