The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Randomize