I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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