My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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