I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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