is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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