I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
