so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
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