I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
