I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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