come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
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