I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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