Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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