Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
