i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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