nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Randomize
