just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Randomize
