if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I queefed so loud it echoed.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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