i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
