Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I haven't been this sober since birth.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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