ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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