My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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