he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I currently don't understand fingers.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
