if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
