Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
