I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
