So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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