john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
