I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
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Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
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I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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