Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
