I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
