Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
