Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
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