you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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