She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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