she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
