so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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