life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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