Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
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