Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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