and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
