i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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