Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
