if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
