a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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