I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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