she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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