At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I deserve this hangover.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
