Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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