I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
