I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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