um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know