Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
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Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
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he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.